Wintergirls

1
 
So she tells me, the words dribbling out with the cranberry muffin crumbs, commas dunked in her coffee.
 
She tells me in four sentences. No, five.
 
I can t let me hear this, but it s too late. The facts sneak in and stab me. When she gets to the worst part
 
. . . body found in a motel room, alone . . .
 
. . . my walls go up and my doors lock. I nod like I m listening, like we re communicating, and she never knows the difference.
 
It s not nice when girls die.
 
2
 
We didn t want you hearing it at school or on the news. Jennifer crams the last hunk of muffin into her mouth. Are you sure you re okay?
 
I open the dishwasher and lean into the cloud of steam that floats out of it. I wish I could crawl in and curl up between a bowl and a plate. (My stepmother) Jennifer could lock the door, twist the dial to SCALD, and press ON.
 
The steam freezes when it touches my face. I m fine, I lie.
 
She reaches for the box of oatmeal raisin cookies on the table. This must feel awful. She rips off the cardboard ribbon. Worse than awful. Can you get me a clean container?
 
I take a clear plastic box and lid out of the cupboard and hand it across the island to her. Where s Dad?
 
He had a tenure meeting.
 
Who told you about Cassie?
 
She crumbles the edges of the cookies before she puts them in the box, to make it look like she baked instead of bought. Your mother called late last night with the news. She wants you to see Dr. Parker right away instead of waiting for your next appointment.
 
What do you think? I ask.
 
It s a good idea, she says. I ll see if she can fit you in this afternoon.
 
Don t bother. I pull out the top rack of the dishwasher. The glasses vibrate with little screams when I touch them. If I pick them up, they ll shatter. There s no point.
 
She pauses in mid-crumble. Cassie

Laurie Halse Anderson has received both the Margaret Edwards Award and the ALAN Award for her contributions to young adult literature. She has also been honored by the National Coalition Against Censorship in recognition of her fight to combat the censoring of literature. She is the author of the groundbreaking National Book Award finalist and Printz Honor Book Speak. She is also author of the critically acclaimed YA books Prom, Twitsted, Catalyst, Wintergirls, and The Impossible Knife of Memory. She has also authored a number of middle grade titles including The Vet Volunteers series, and the historical fiction Seeds of America Trilogy, which includes Forge, ALA Best Book for Young Adults Fever 1793, and the National Book Award finalist and Scott O Dell Award-winner Chains. She and her husband live in northern New York State. Follow Laurie on Twitter @halseanderson and visit her at madwomanintheforest.com.